I Can’t Hear The Bells

Pinterest has been blowing up with wedding boards and engagement ideas now that wedding season has rolled around. Scrolling through dresses, rings and cakes is fun to begin with but that enjoyment turns to stress and terror as you realise that maybe the big fairytale thing isn’t for you.

I like the idea of other people getting married and having beautiful big days and I look forward to celebrating other peoples marriages but the thought of celebrating my own has never been a big thing. I love watching Don’t Tell The Bride and Say Yes To The Dress just as much as any other girl but don’t ask me to even think about doing any of that for myself. I am much too terrified of the commitment to just swallow my fear, put a big white dress on and skip down an isle.

Im sure that I am not the only girl that is utterly terrified by the idea of promising forever to someone. Its not because I don’t have someone that I love, I do but the thought of all that serious relationship stuff creeping into our relationship is a big scary thing that I don’t really think I want. At the end of the day a marriage is just a bit of paper with a promise written on it right? Weddings are supposed to celebrate that but whats wrong with just bobbing along and not worrying about written promises and bits of paper? Why can’t I just say I love someone, mean it and have everyone around me believe it?

I went to a friends house last night and it was the first time I got to see her wedding photos. We sat for hours going through all the beautiful images and she really did have a beautiful day but as she was flicking through I found what she had to say about the people in the photos was more important. She had a story for every one of her guests. She gushed about her friends children and the hymns they sang. I feel that she had the sort of wedding that was more about feelings and the people around her rather than the big dress and the hotel. Don’t get me wrong she was absolutely beautiful and the venue was gorgeous. In this lovely castle and her photos with her husband were in lovely grounds but compare her to the Don’t Tell The Bride ladies and Bridezilla’s and it’s chalk and cheese.

Don’t Tell The Bride for the most part was about women who just wanted to marry their other halves and didn’t really care about the day. I think thats exactly what every bride should be like. Have a beautiful day but still keep at the very front of their mind that a marriage is for life and not just for Christmas.

I have friends who have just gotten engaged and they are honestly as close to the perfect couple as I think is humanely possible. I feel that their hearts are always in the right place and they don’t take each other or themselves too seriously which is exactly what you want. You just know that they are gonna love each other for a long time. It’s exciting to see other people take the next step with their other half and it’s exciting to see what the next step will be in their relationship.

I don’t know why I don’t get as excited about my own future with my other half as everyone else does. I know that I want to move in with him and spend a lot of time with him and getting to this point has taken a lot of humming and haaing. I think that once my life is at an adult stage where I have everything sorted out that I’ll be ready to settle down and maybe think about it then. But really when is everything sorted out? At what point will I decide that I want to make that move and what if when I make that move he doesn’t want the same thing?

I could question an engagement all day. However, it’s really not down to us girls to ask someone to marry us. Thats going against the grain. For some reason we can only propose on a leap year and I didn’t even know that was a thing before Leap Year. There’s nothing to say that I couldn’t propose but does that make me desperate if I do? Does that mean he doesn’t want to marry me if he doesn’t ask first? The idea is just super daunting and I don’t think I’m up to that. So then there is the stress of is there something wrong with me because marriage hasn’t been and isn’t a big deal for me?

I had a good think about this and I have come to the conclusion that no there isn’t anything wrong with me. Women nowadays don’t really rely on men like they used to. It isn’t frowned upon to not get married and it’s fine to be a strong independent women who is in a relationship but isn’t really that fussed about getting married. There are a lot of people who just completely side step the whole idea of a wedding and just accept that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other without a bit of paper in between. I think I might be one of those people. Maybe in the future I won’t be. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and i’ll be itching to get on Pinterest and make a wedding board again like I did when I was thirteen. I’ll maybe push for a ring for my ring finger one day and want one of those fluffy looking tulle princess dresses with the heart shaped neckline.

But for now I am perfectly content with loving someone without labels and without written promises. I’m happy stumbling through my life with the marital status of single. And I am perfectly happy sitting back and watching the people around me fall in love, take chances and make promises that I know I may never be able to keep.

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