Recognising A Self-Destructive Personality And How To Deal With It

Recently I have become more and more aware of how I react to certain situations and how these reactions could be viewed as self-destructive. I started Googling self-destructive patterns and what self-destructive people would usually do and found that I have basically all the traits listed. It’s like everything in the list point to self-hate and ruining everything in your life to feed into this instead of working towards fixing it.

Self-destructive people tend to be easy to pick out of a crowd. They are insecure and are genuinely unhappy with themselves and their lives. Once you realise you are one these people then it does take an awful lot of work to get out of the rut but you can do it. Remember I am doing it too because this is a hole I don’t want to be buried in anymore.

I’ve listed just a few of the characteristics below and how you could tackle them yourself and with a little help from your friends.

Do you pass up chances because your scared that it isn’t going to work out as you had hoped? Do you use a past example of failure as an excuse to not try again? Well you need to stop saying no and start saying yes and keep saying yes. Failure is nothing to be ashamed of. How you handle failure is a lot more important than the failure itself and that’s something I wish I had learned earlier in my life. Maybe then I would have seen more countries, met more people, met the people I know now earlier and made more memories. Step outside your comfort zone sometimes just to see what will happen and I can almost guarantee that you will not be disappointed.

If you asked anyone who knows me if I am an open person they would probably laugh at you. Apparently, I have lost a lot of friends because I won’t let people help me and don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with asking for help and opening up to people just make sure they are the correct people. Over the last year, I have started to realize that swallowing your pride and being open to people you trust is very important to be happy. Self-destructive people don’t realize this and see a type of importance in suffering alone.

I personally have found that writing about how I feel is a lot easier than saying it out loud. That might sound incredibly strange but I struggle to show emotion and talk about it at the same time. It’s almost like I shut down every time someone asks me a personal question that I wasn’t expecting. So I write about it or I will send a text and hope that it comes across the way I hoped.

If like me you have a string of bad relationships following you like a bad smell that you just can’t seem to wash off then welcome to our rubbish team. I let past relationships cloud how I feel about my present relationship so even though I love him more than life itself I can’t let myself show that because I am terrified that he is going to wake up one day and see me exactly like I see me.

Letting these past relationships go is as tough as it seems but I think that taking every day one at a time really does help. Don’t overload yourself with things your uncomfortable with because you will completely freak out and you will run for the hills. Take a deep breath and trust in your other half.  Talk to them about it. If it doesn’t turn out as you had hoped then move on and learn from it.

Self-destructive people love to keep bad memories stored up for when they are having a really good day and want to ruin it. They live in their memories rather than in the moment and they use these past bad memories as an excuse to not enjoy themselves. They don’t know how to let all these bad memories go and really the only way I have found a way around this is meditation or writing letters to the people who have hurt me and then never sending them. Really, it’s all about letting all your bad memories go because they don’t belong in your present.

Do you second-guess yourself all the time over insignificant things that you can’t change? As soon as you have these worrying thoughts about things you can’t alter stop them in their tracks. Stop thinking and worrying about things that aren’t worth your time. If you can’t change anything then there is no point worrying about it.

Remember that you have a lot of good qualities that you constantly skim over to focus on your bad aspects. Do you focus on the one bad comment over the hundred good ones? If someone makes a negative comment don’t dwell on it because that’s a reflection of themselves and not you.

It’s drilled into us at a young age that it’s not acceptable to love yourself so it’s incredibly easy to hate yourself. However, be strong and try and focus on your good and beautiful parts. If you need a little help with this ask a friend what they like about you and write down their answer. Look at it whenever you need a little pick me up and maybe add to it when you’re having a good day.

Last but not least, your friends are supposed to make you a better person. However, self-destructive people have a tendency to hang around people who are jealous, manipulative and those who feed off other peoples problems. Almost like your problems are a competition to see who can be the most messed up. If this is you then take it from me. It might hurt to walk away and let the friendship go but in a couple years you’ll be better for it. It’s about quality and not quantity. Having two good friends over a handful of rubbish ones will always be better for you. It’s hard but it’s worth it.

Advertisements

Top Tips To Becoming An Early Bird

Recently I have been trying my absolute hardest to become an early riser. You know what they say, the early bird catches the worm, and for once I want to be that early bird. It’s amazing what you can achieve while other people are still sleeping and these are my top tips to loving your early mornings more.

Get enough sleep every night by going to sleep earlier. The amount of sleep your body needs differs from person to person but I have found that I function best if I get between seven and eight hours sleep a night. Experiment with what works best for your body by setting your alarm at different times throughout the first week and see how you feel by the end.

Set an alarm and get up as soon as it goes off and continue doing this over the weekend. By doing this you will change your body clock and avoid sleep disturbances. I wake up at seven during the week and seven at the weekend. I have found that I actually enjoy being up before the rest of my town when I’m out on my morning run especially at the weekend.

Drink a glass of water as soon as you wake up. After several hours, asleep your body will be thirsty so this step is very important in getting your body going and starting on the right foot. I just have plain old tap water because lemons are too expensive to waste on anything over than a lemon drizzle cake.

I have a love hate relationship with morning exercise. However, I cannot deny how great it makes me feel once I’m done. Whether it’s a morning spin class or a run around your local park, just do it! This burst of exercise will set you up for the day and really get your body alert and awake.

Have a shower in the morning but not a hot one. This may sound like absolute torture to some folk but as long as your shower isn’t hot then its fine. You don’t want to wake up, go a run, come home and become groggy in the shower because it’s too hot.

Open your curtains and let the light in as soon as your out your bed. This will make you feel more alert and awake. Get your burst of energy the natural way. This is a lot harder if you’re from somewhere in a rubbish climate like me because we literally never have nice natural light in Scotland but a girl can dream.

Have a coffee! One of my favourite things about getting up in the morning is my first and often only coffee of the day. This little burst of caffeine will set you off on your day just don’t have too much of the stuff throughout the day or it will mess with your sleep.

Downsize your dinner and never eat anything after 7:30pm. If your body is still digesting a huge meal while you’re trying to sleep you won’t find it as easy to fall asleep. So, keep your portions smaller and eat early.

Last but not least never skip breakfast. Your body needs fuel for the day and this is where you should be feeding it, not at lunch time when you’re already starving. Little and often is a lot more effective for me than skipping breakfast and having a massive lunch because I’m craving. Listen to your body.

How To Appear Confident Even When You Aren’t

Being confident is nor something that comes naturally to me. It’s something I feel holds me back in life quite often and I would love to be full to the brim with confidence, however that is just something I will never be. There are certain situations where appearing confident is key and there are certain things you can do to come across confident.

Stand up straight with you chin and head held high. Keep your eyes up and try not to look at your feet. If your standing straight with your eyes looking straight ahead you will come across more in control and more powerful. There is a bigger chance of you being taken seriously if you aren’t straight at your feet throughout an entire conversation.

Now that you know to stand up straight and keep your eyes up when looking forward try and maintain eye contact. This is very important if you want to appear more in control, more calm and confident.

While maintaining eye contact remember to smile. This will ensure you come across friendly and approachable. For a little challenge try and smile at a stranger while walking past them. This will push you out your comfort zone. If you have a dog take it with you. I have found that dog walkers are very approachable and are more likely to smile back and start conversation.

Don’t fidget. if you fidget people will automatically think that your anxious and nervous. You will realise that you fidget a lot subconsciously now that you know not to. To help stop fidgeting either clasp your hands in front of you or talk with them. Showing your palms while you talk makes you look more open and trustworthy.

Have a good strong handshake. There is nothing worse that shaking someones hand with a weak handshake. You don’t want to be perceived as weak and timid so working on having a strong handshake screams confidence and creates a great first impression.

Last but certainly not least, be kind to yourself. All these little tips add up and doing one or two to begin with is completely fine. Just remember that for what you lack in confidence you make up somewhere else.

 

Being Brave

What would you do if you were being sensible? What would you do if you were being brave? You can’t change your life by doing all the same things you have always done. Being brave is a massive step to being someone new and achieving things you never thought possible. Whether you take little steps at a time or a massive leap it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that your taking the steps towards what you want to do with your one and only life.

Believe me when I say that I don’t like change. I never liked the idea of going to far off places, somewhere with new languages or weird animals that look cute but are deadly. That never appealed to me until this year. I got a graduate job that I never thought I would be lucky enough to get and I’m actually kind of good at it. I think that getting it just made me realise that I can do the things I never thought I could. I answer telephones and deal with picky people who want designs to be just right even if they are wrong. I tell them they are wrong in a round about way to make them think it was their idea to change it. Instead of  rolling over and accepting everything thats thrown my way I’m actually questioning and explaining which is totally not me and I’m enjoying it. I keep surprising myself with little things.

Telling myself to get myself together is big part of that. I set myself up to get what I want now instead of setting myself up to fail. It’s a new outlook that does actually mean a lot.

I get in my car and drive to new places without my sat nav guiding the way. I read sign posts and take the wrong roads but I enjoy it now which is strange because turning the sat nav on before used to scare me. Theres more to see than a screen. Looking out the window and stopping in little towns you would usually pass through. Taking my time isn’t wasting time, it’s making memories and living in the moment. Something I never did before. Everything was planned to within an inch of its life.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have freak outs about not having everything planned if I stop and think about it long enough. But as long as I remember which roads I took to get there, it’s easy enough to find your way home.

I completed my first five kilometre run and raised £285 and counting for Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust through our Just Giving page. That I never would have done before. Would have been too worried about what other people thought and I would have thought through a million different situations through in my head before hand. But instead I got up and ran it with Kelly and we did something different, new and worthwhile. We obviously feel like we didn’t push ourselves enough either because we are running the Falkirk Supernova five kilometre run in November too. It’s these little things that show you just how far you have come and it just shows that your capable of pushing though even when you want to stop.

I guarantee that if you have a look at your own life you will realise that you’ve accomplishing things you never would have before. Even if they are just little accomplishments at least your still taking steps in the right direction.

Take the road less travelled even if it says it’s not suitable for motor vehicles. Worry about it in the moment and laugh about it later.

 

 

That Grown Up Word

Mortgage. The fact that it took me three tries to even spell mortgage right screams that I am anything but ready to have one. The idea of saving and scrimping and not buying make-up whenever I feel like is making me feel very grown up. A whole lot more grown up than I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I’m 21. I’ve graduated from uni and I have a full time job. I have my own car and I pay for my own holidays. I have now been granted permission to have candles in my room and I don’t need reminding to turn my hair straighteners off before I leave in the morning. I have officially made it to the next stage. The scary thing is that the next step is a house and buying my own toaster and all the other stuff you don’t really think about when you live with your parents.

How do you even pay your taxes or pay for your electricity and water and all your usual stuff that just happens when you flick a switch or turn on the tap? For some reason all this important stuff was skipped at school and university. Why is there not a class that teaches you about paying bills and living like an adult? They teach you how to bake a cake but not how to live your life on your own. That makes no sense.

I don’t have to worry now though because the house won’t be for at least another two years. Two years of scrimping and saving and not eating take-away twice a week to save money. You just know it’s gonna be tough but I’m hoping that when we finally find ourselves in our first home, sat on the living room floor with a few beers and shit Saturday night tv, we will know we have made it and we did it all on our own.

I Can’t Hear The Bells

Pinterest has been blowing up with wedding boards and engagement ideas now that wedding season has rolled around. Scrolling through dresses, rings and cakes is fun to begin with but that enjoyment turns to stress and terror as you realise that maybe the big fairytale thing isn’t for you.

I like the idea of other people getting married and having beautiful big days and I look forward to celebrating other peoples marriages but the thought of celebrating my own has never been a big thing. I love watching Don’t Tell The Bride and Say Yes To The Dress just as much as any other girl but don’t ask me to even think about doing any of that for myself. I am much too terrified of the commitment to just swallow my fear, put a big white dress on and skip down an isle.

Im sure that I am not the only girl that is utterly terrified by the idea of promising forever to someone. Its not because I don’t have someone that I love, I do but the thought of all that serious relationship stuff creeping into our relationship is a big scary thing that I don’t really think I want. At the end of the day a marriage is just a bit of paper with a promise written on it right? Weddings are supposed to celebrate that but whats wrong with just bobbing along and not worrying about written promises and bits of paper? Why can’t I just say I love someone, mean it and have everyone around me believe it?

I went to a friends house last night and it was the first time I got to see her wedding photos. We sat for hours going through all the beautiful images and she really did have a beautiful day but as she was flicking through I found what she had to say about the people in the photos was more important. She had a story for every one of her guests. She gushed about her friends children and the hymns they sang. I feel that she had the sort of wedding that was more about feelings and the people around her rather than the big dress and the hotel. Don’t get me wrong she was absolutely beautiful and the venue was gorgeous. In this lovely castle and her photos with her husband were in lovely grounds but compare her to the Don’t Tell The Bride ladies and Bridezilla’s and it’s chalk and cheese.

Don’t Tell The Bride for the most part was about women who just wanted to marry their other halves and didn’t really care about the day. I think thats exactly what every bride should be like. Have a beautiful day but still keep at the very front of their mind that a marriage is for life and not just for Christmas.

I have friends who have just gotten engaged and they are honestly as close to the perfect couple as I think is humanely possible. I feel that their hearts are always in the right place and they don’t take each other or themselves too seriously which is exactly what you want. You just know that they are gonna love each other for a long time. It’s exciting to see other people take the next step with their other half and it’s exciting to see what the next step will be in their relationship.

I don’t know why I don’t get as excited about my own future with my other half as everyone else does. I know that I want to move in with him and spend a lot of time with him and getting to this point has taken a lot of humming and haaing. I think that once my life is at an adult stage where I have everything sorted out that I’ll be ready to settle down and maybe think about it then. But really when is everything sorted out? At what point will I decide that I want to make that move and what if when I make that move he doesn’t want the same thing?

I could question an engagement all day. However, it’s really not down to us girls to ask someone to marry us. Thats going against the grain. For some reason we can only propose on a leap year and I didn’t even know that was a thing before Leap Year. There’s nothing to say that I couldn’t propose but does that make me desperate if I do? Does that mean he doesn’t want to marry me if he doesn’t ask first? The idea is just super daunting and I don’t think I’m up to that. So then there is the stress of is there something wrong with me because marriage hasn’t been and isn’t a big deal for me?

I had a good think about this and I have come to the conclusion that no there isn’t anything wrong with me. Women nowadays don’t really rely on men like they used to. It isn’t frowned upon to not get married and it’s fine to be a strong independent women who is in a relationship but isn’t really that fussed about getting married. There are a lot of people who just completely side step the whole idea of a wedding and just accept that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other without a bit of paper in between. I think I might be one of those people. Maybe in the future I won’t be. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and i’ll be itching to get on Pinterest and make a wedding board again like I did when I was thirteen. I’ll maybe push for a ring for my ring finger one day and want one of those fluffy looking tulle princess dresses with the heart shaped neckline.

But for now I am perfectly content with loving someone without labels and without written promises. I’m happy stumbling through my life with the marital status of single. And I am perfectly happy sitting back and watching the people around me fall in love, take chances and make promises that I know I may never be able to keep.

Monthly Goals

May is here and it’s just starting to feel like Spring. This change in the weather is doing only good things to my motivational levels. I honestly can’t remember the last time it rained and for Scotland thats almost unbelievable.

Last months goal of getting up early, for the most part, went well and I am going to try and keep it up. Obviously when your trying to get up early, staying out drinking all night isn’t always the greatest idea so I ended up saving money since I didn’t go out as much. Which at the time I resented but now that I am looking at my savings I would totally keep it up.

This months goal is to continue writing this blog. To just work on the motivation to keep writing and writing about the things that interest me rather than what I think other people will find interesting, After the training day I was at last week, I realised that if I am not posting content then I’m invisible and I don’t want to be invisible anymore. As much as I don’t want to be invisible I also don’t want to be seen as someone that I am not. So say goodbye to the content that I don’t have an interest in and hello to everything that I love writing about, listening to, watching, capturing and reading about.