That Grown Up Word

Mortgage. The fact that it took me three tries to even spell mortgage right screams that I am anything but ready to have one. The idea of saving and scrimping and not buying make-up whenever I feel like is making me feel very grown up. A whole lot more grown up than I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I’m 21. I’ve graduated from uni and I have a full time job. I have my own car and I pay for my own holidays. I have now been granted permission to have candles in my room and I don’t need reminding to turn my hair straighteners off before I leave in the morning. I have officially made it to the next stage. The scary thing is that the next step is a house and buying my own toaster and all the other stuff you don’t really think about when you live with your parents.

How do you even pay your taxes or pay for your electricity and water and all your usual stuff that just happens when you flick a switch or turn on the tap? For some reason all this important stuff was skipped at school and university. Why is there not a class that teaches you about paying bills and living like an adult? They teach you how to bake a cake but not how to live your life on your own. That makes no sense.

I don’t have to worry now though because the house won’t be for at least another two years. Two years of scrimping and saving and not eating take-away twice a week to save money. You just know it’s gonna be tough but I’m hoping that when we finally find ourselves in our first home, sat on the living room floor with a few beers and shit Saturday night tv, we will know we have made it and we did it all on our own.

I Can’t Hear The Bells

Pinterest has been blowing up with wedding boards and engagement ideas now that wedding season has rolled around. Scrolling through dresses, rings and cakes is fun to begin with but that enjoyment turns to stress and terror as you realise that maybe the big fairytale thing isn’t for you.

I like the idea of other people getting married and having beautiful big days and I look forward to celebrating other peoples marriages but the thought of celebrating my own has never been a big thing. I love watching Don’t Tell The Bride and Say Yes To The Dress just as much as any other girl but don’t ask me to even think about doing any of that for myself. I am much too terrified of the commitment to just swallow my fear, put a big white dress on and skip down an isle.

Im sure that I am not the only girl that is utterly terrified by the idea of promising forever to someone. Its not because I don’t have someone that I love, I do but the thought of all that serious relationship stuff creeping into our relationship is a big scary thing that I don’t really think I want. At the end of the day a marriage is just a bit of paper with a promise written on it right? Weddings are supposed to celebrate that but whats wrong with just bobbing along and not worrying about written promises and bits of paper? Why can’t I just say I love someone, mean it and have everyone around me believe it?

I went to a friends house last night and it was the first time I got to see her wedding photos. We sat for hours going through all the beautiful images and she really did have a beautiful day but as she was flicking through I found what she had to say about the people in the photos was more important. She had a story for every one of her guests. She gushed about her friends children and the hymns they sang. I feel that she had the sort of wedding that was more about feelings and the people around her rather than the big dress and the hotel. Don’t get me wrong she was absolutely beautiful and the venue was gorgeous. In this lovely castle and her photos with her husband were in lovely grounds but compare her to the Don’t Tell The Bride ladies and Bridezilla’s and it’s chalk and cheese.

Don’t Tell The Bride for the most part was about women who just wanted to marry their other halves and didn’t really care about the day. I think thats exactly what every bride should be like. Have a beautiful day but still keep at the very front of their mind that a marriage is for life and not just for Christmas.

I have friends who have just gotten engaged and they are honestly as close to the perfect couple as I think is humanely possible. I feel that their hearts are always in the right place and they don’t take each other or themselves too seriously which is exactly what you want. You just know that they are gonna love each other for a long time. It’s exciting to see other people take the next step with their other half and it’s exciting to see what the next step will be in their relationship.

I don’t know why I don’t get as excited about my own future with my other half as everyone else does. I know that I want to move in with him and spend a lot of time with him and getting to this point has taken a lot of humming and haaing. I think that once my life is at an adult stage where I have everything sorted out that I’ll be ready to settle down and maybe think about it then. But really when is everything sorted out? At what point will I decide that I want to make that move and what if when I make that move he doesn’t want the same thing?

I could question an engagement all day. However, it’s really not down to us girls to ask someone to marry us. Thats going against the grain. For some reason we can only propose on a leap year and I didn’t even know that was a thing before Leap Year. There’s nothing to say that I couldn’t propose but does that make me desperate if I do? Does that mean he doesn’t want to marry me if he doesn’t ask first? The idea is just super daunting and I don’t think I’m up to that. So then there is the stress of is there something wrong with me because marriage hasn’t been and isn’t a big deal for me?

I had a good think about this and I have come to the conclusion that no there isn’t anything wrong with me. Women nowadays don’t really rely on men like they used to. It isn’t frowned upon to not get married and it’s fine to be a strong independent women who is in a relationship but isn’t really that fussed about getting married. There are a lot of people who just completely side step the whole idea of a wedding and just accept that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other without a bit of paper in between. I think I might be one of those people. Maybe in the future I won’t be. Maybe I’ll wake up one day and i’ll be itching to get on Pinterest and make a wedding board again like I did when I was thirteen. I’ll maybe push for a ring for my ring finger one day and want one of those fluffy looking tulle princess dresses with the heart shaped neckline.

But for now I am perfectly content with loving someone without labels and without written promises. I’m happy stumbling through my life with the marital status of single. And I am perfectly happy sitting back and watching the people around me fall in love, take chances and make promises that I know I may never be able to keep.

Monthly Goals

May is here and it’s just starting to feel like Spring. This change in the weather is doing only good things to my motivational levels. I honestly can’t remember the last time it rained and for Scotland thats almost unbelievable.

Last months goal of getting up early, for the most part, went well and I am going to try and keep it up. Obviously when your trying to get up early, staying out drinking all night isn’t always the greatest idea so I ended up saving money since I didn’t go out as much. Which at the time I resented but now that I am looking at my savings I would totally keep it up.

This months goal is to continue writing this blog. To just work on the motivation to keep writing and writing about the things that interest me rather than what I think other people will find interesting, After the training day I was at last week, I realised that if I am not posting content then I’m invisible and I don’t want to be invisible anymore. As much as I don’t want to be invisible I also don’t want to be seen as someone that I am not. So say goodbye to the content that I don’t have an interest in and hello to everything that I love writing about, listening to, watching, capturing and reading about.

Weekly Round Up

So this weeks round-up is basically a bunch of youtube videos and what I’m watching on Netflix. Can you tell I’m going through a bit of a lull at the moment? After finishing 13 Reasons Why last week I have been twiddling my thumbs on what to watch next and I think I may have found it.

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Girl Boss on Netfix

To be fair I am literally watching it while I write this and it is kinda weird but at the same time I don’t want to stop watching it. I read Girlboss last year whilst soaking up the sun on holiday and I loved it. Never before have I been so motivated. So when I realised this was on Netflix I could not stop myself.

In the books I found Sophia Amoruso to be whitty but not in an overly nasty sort of way but after the first episode I found myself kind of hating the character. Im not sure if that was intentional or not but I am starting to like her more as the series goes on.

If you like a series thats fashion related, whitty and almost unintentionally funny then I really feel like you will enjoy this one.

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Youtuber Rebecca Louise Fitness

I have recently been struggling to get myself into a fitness routine again after letting myself go for the last month. I used to watch Rebecca Louise fitness loads a good couple of years ago when she made videos for X-HIT and for some reason forgot about her channel until last week.

She has so many workouts that you are definitely spoilt for choice. Most of her workouts are short, around ten minutes so I have been doing three a day. Although there only ten minutes they are not easy. I have never worked out more hard in my life and she makes it look so easy. I would definitely recommend her videos if you are finding yourself stuck in a  rutt with your workout routine because I have a super short attention span and even I am keeping up with them.

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Pizza Punks Glasgow

I have been wanting to try this place for weeks and after a crazy long day shopping I finally got to! It was unreal. Unlimited toppings on a pizza has got to be one of the best things ever and it was one of the best pizzas I ever ate in my life.

For the veggies out there they do vegetarian sausage and they have a super long list of veggies to pick from. Not to mention gluten free pizza dough. Kinda annoying the gluten free dough is £2.00 more though. This gluten intolerance chose me… it’s not like I chose this horrid life, why am I being penalised?

However, apart from my outrage at the dough it was honestly the best pizza I have ever eaten and I am a pizza fanatic. Find it on St. Vincent street, two doors down from Bread Meats Bread!

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Random Work Seminar

Who would have thought that a work seminar on sales and marketing could give you such a motivational boost? Basically went in with zero ideas and came out bursting with knowledge. So much so I took a nap and had a bath when I got home. It was needed, I had used all my brain cells sitting through eight  hours of crazy concentrated knowledge.

I’m not really selling it am I? It was actually very informative and did tech me lots. However it taught me more about myself than anything else. I am not quite sure if that was the point or not.

Work to your strengths. I may not know what my strengths are but I know what my weaknesses are and I guess that’s a good place to start. I have been feeling weird about writing again and this wise man said that if I am not posting then I am invisible and I am sick of being invisible. I’m not good at public speaking so I figured if I can just keep blogging my nonsense then maybe one day I’ll be good at writing.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Whats the one thing I miss most about the countryside? How do you put the greatest place in the world into one tiny answer? I miss sitting on the hill, damp bum in the dirt, big cozy jumper wrapped around me. Most people would think that the view over East Kilbride was the best thing about sitting on that hill at night but it wasn’t. If you just tilted your head back a little bit further you would see what I went up there for.

On a clear night, in the pitch black you would see them twinkling. I don’t know why people say stars twinkle. There more like little balls of unwavering light that are always there even when you can’t see them. Theres something really comforting about that. Sitting on that hill alone and looking up at the stars made me realise that I really could be a hell of a lot more lonely.

Weekly Round-up

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Woman gains 30lbs and completely changes her butt (@cguentz.gofit)

Need another reason to not get on the scales this week? Well one woman has proved once again that what your weight does not necessarily equate to being healthy. After putting on 30lbs this woman completely changed her body and she honestly looks fitter and more healthy than she did before.

Proving to me that maybe it’s time I stop standing on the scales and beating myself up about gaining 1lb or 2lbs when I know I’ve been lifting weights and eating well. You can read Claire Maxwell’s story on Cosmopolitan and check out her Instagram above!

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Thirteen Reasons Why Hits Netflix

Growing up Thirteen Reason Why was my favourite book. It is what got me started on mysteries and books that make you question everything. I loved everything about it so you can probably gather than I watched the series within the first two days of it being released. It  may not have followed the books completely but god was it fantastic.

I don’t think I have a bad word to say about it. It’s creepy, saddening, eye-opening and so mysterious it even had be guessing and I’ve read the book multiple times. The cast fit each and every character perfectly, there isn’t a single actor that I would want replaced. Oh and the soundtrack is on fire.

I 100% recommend it if you have Netflix and your looking for something new to watch then you should definitely watch it. Just make sure that you have ice cream and tissues too.

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Sunshine Getaway To Mallorca

I booked a cheeky wee holiday to Mallorca. Spur of the moment sunshine decision. After looking at random places all over the globe and after deciding that I would save money this year instead of enjoying myself, of course, I booked a weeks holiday to the sun. Figures.

Since I live in Scotland and therefore basically never see the sun, I walked into the travel agents with a treat-yo-self mentality and of course booked a holiday thats adults only and all-inclusive. All about the munchies and the booze.

So the countdown to sun, sea and sand is on. Only six months to go 😦

Spending National Gin and Tonic Day on DrinkHacker

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I would absolutely love a gin and tonic right now. However driving nearly 80 miles a day keeps me from having a tipple more often. Gotta be sensible and sober when driving a car kids!

I may not be drinking today but thanks to DrinkHacker I will definitely be having one this weekend with my feet up. There gin and tonic recipes especially for National Gin and Tonic day would appeal to anyone and everyone. Even those of you who wouldn’t usually go for a G&T. Have a wee read at their blog and see what you think but there is nothing better than a wee Fevertree tonic and a fancy gin!

 

 

Old Journals

I used to write poetry and songs and little passages when I wasn’t really feeling all that great about everything in my life. I have diary upon diary filled with messages and photos and sketches and ideas. Ideas of where I thought I would be and who I thought I would be with. I found them in my wardrobe this afternoon and sat down to read them with the hope that maybe it would show me just how far I have come. And they did.

Every entry in them is sad. Every journal entry up until last year is sad and depressing. The sort of thing that would worry someone to read. The sort of thing you want to set fire to just so you can hide those thoughts. I can’t believe I would ever allow myself to think those things never mind write them down.

I often said sorry when I really should have been saying goodbye,

You were supposed to love me but instead you taught my demons to swim,

I can’t even drown them in my sorrow anymore.